Our Story

As part of their #GivingTuesday campaign, resolve.org has asked those struggling with infertility to share thoughts on a monthly theme in October, November, & December. October's theme was to tell your infertility story. I planned on skipping that step but it seems I've changed my mind.  

I hesitate to write my story mainly because I'm not sure if I have one. My husband and I have been dealing with infertility issues for two and a half years, however we have not done IUI or IVF procedures. I've never given myself injections, taken fertility medications, or endured doctor appointment after doctor appointment. Our story is simple but heartfelt. 

We got married in May 2010. I was finishing up my last semester of college and Troy was working full time at a marketing company. Upon graduation, I started working full-time at a law firm. After being there a few months, I was getting paid enough that we could afford for Troy to leave his job and return to school. We knew the long term plan was for Troy to graduate and then move on to graduate school. He had about two years of schooling left when he returned to school in the Summer of 2012. 

Once he'd started school we began talking about having a child. In my "life plan" I always figured I'd get married, wait two years, then start having children, so this fit quite nicely. We figured it would take a few months to get pregnant, then we'd cook the wee one for 9 months and be able to have him/her a few months before leaving for graduate school. That would give us time to adjust to having a newborn before moving so that we didn't have to deal with moving, starting a graduate program, and having a newborn all at the same time. 

Month after month passed with no luck. I felt sad but not worried or stressed; I just figured when the timing was right it would happen. The longer we went without luck though, the less our plan was going to work out. After 15 months of trying, I went to my annual doctor appointment in October 2013. I mentioned to my doctor that we weren't having much luck and she gave me a basic starting plan. 

I had some blood work done to check for ovulation and everything was turned out normal. Next, Troy did his tests and we found out his numbers were a bit low. I asked my doctor what the next step was and she referred us to a urologist. The urologist wasn't on our insurance plan though so we had to do some research to find another doctor. By the time we got in for an appointment, they wanted Troy to retest. At this point were were a few months from moving out of state for graduate school so we decided to not pursue any further appointments. 

Over the years we've come up with games to make the challenge seem easier. We decided that if 20 of our friends got pregnant before us, we'd go on a cruise. Within 2 months we had 23 people on our list. I stopped counting after that because it became a bit depressing. A cruise is nice, but it can't really compare with holding your own little one. I've also quit Facebook multiple times because it seems like every time I log on, someone else gets pregnant. I am single-handedly keeping the world population up by logging on to Facebook. 

We are now settled in Washington but we don't have any kind of infertility insurance. As a young couple in graduate school, we can't afford IVF and probably can't afford IUI either. I'm currently researching some other options (chiropractic, acupuncture, vitamins, etc.) to see what we can do. 

Sometimes I feel like we haven't tried very hard since we haven't initiated any kind of medical proceedings. We are doing what we can though. I don't feel like we are incapable of having children nor do I stress myself out about it. I definitely think about it constantly and I feel the sadness infertility brings each day though. If you ask me what is on my mind at any given moment, 90% of the time that is what I'll tell you about. 

I don't want this blog to center on fertility. There is more to my life than a fertility issue. The stats are interesting and important but they don't show you the people. One in eight couples are going through the same thing that I am. We all have different stories but we all know the same pains. I've mostly tried to deal with this on my own, but I know that I am not alone. 

I'm hopeful that sharing our story will help others know that they aren't alone either. 

The Wellness Bubble

When I was little I loved going to the Discovery Museum. My favorite exhibit was the one where you try to form a bubble around yourself. In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, let me help paint a mental image. There is a plastic kiddie pool filled with bubble juice (?...there has to be a better word for that stuff) with a platform in the middle. A hoop sits in the juice surrounding the platform. Attached to the hoop is a pulley system that allows the hoop to be raised into the air.  Each kid takes a turn standing on the platform and pulling the rope so that the hoop lifts up, ideally forming a giant bubble around themselves.

It sounds so easy, and I'm sure it would be easier now that I am older and try to think things through before doing them. Looking back, I remember pulling on the rope as hard as I could. The hoop would fly upwards, popping the bubble immediately and sending juice flying everywhere. To this day, I still have never stood inside a bubble.

As I've been thinking about my wellness journey, I often feel like I'm back on that dumb platform, surrounded by bubble juice, pulling a rope in hopes of accomplishing something.

Being "well" involves so many components. We've all heard the list. There's physical wellness, emotional, social, mental, spiritual, intellectual, and the list goes on and on.

While it would be nice to be able to focus on one, master it, then move onto the next, it doesn't quite work that way. All the components of wellness interact with one another. You can't focus on bettering just one element without it impacting another. Thus, it is best to steadily lift all elements in unison. To pull the rope gently so that the hoop remains stable and the bubble intact until eventually you're living your glorious bubble dream.

But how in the world are we supposed to know where to start?

I recommend keeping this is as simple as possible. Think about your life. Is there something you can change that will have a strong positive impact? For me, I'm starting with the importance of a daily workout. I've noticed that if my physical wellness is lacking, other aspects of my life also suffer. When I feel unhealthy, I don't have the same confidence in myself. My social, mental, and spiritual wellness suffers as well.

I've said before that this is a journey and that makes me feel good. Journeys don't happen overnight, they can take a lifetime. And I think I'll need a lifetime because this is going to be one giant bubble.

Is there an area of wellness that seems to be key in your life? What small changes have you or can you make in order to start seeing improvements?

Figuring it out along the way.

Growing up I hated the questions, "What do you want to be when you group up". Probably because I didn't know the answer.

Let me rephrase that, it's not that I didn't know the answer. It's that I had too many answers. A teacher, a mom, a marine biologist, a forensic crime technician, an actress, a humanitarian, an entrepreneur, an interior designer, an explorer, a carpenter, a photographer, a sailor, a musician.

All of these were on my list, which is awesome. But not so awesome when you're a grown up who can't figure out what to do with her life. Some people are blessed to know their passions. Others, like myself, are excited by too many options that it's hard to focus on one long enough to know if it's a passion.

I do know a couple of things though. I know I want to live my life well. I know that I don't want to die and wonder what the heck I did with my time. I know I am here for a reason and I'm desperate to figure that reason out.

I find myself on a continual quest for wellness. Some days I get further than other but I guess that's part of the journey. When I say "wellness" I mean health in a physical, mental, social, emotional, and spiritual sense. I want a thorough, holistic life.

I'm going to blog this journey but I'm not sure what this blog will be. I have some ideas that I've played with over the last few months but none of them ever fully felt like me so I haven't acted on them. I've let my fear of the unknown hold me back for too long though. I don't write or share things because I don't have it figured out yet. But if I wait until I have it figured it out, I may never get to it. You don't get very far by waiting to move. So, here's to figure it out along the way!

Food Matters TV

I love health movies. And when I say that, I mean, I really love health movies. It's kind of my thing. There is so much to learn and I always feel so inspired after watching a new film. 

Recently, I learned about a website called Food Matters TV.  This weekend Food Matters TV is having a free online viewing event. Over the past week, they have been doing screenings of five health films plus a Live Q&A with someone from the film. The Live Q&As are all completed now but they are still allowing you to view the sessions AND the films for free until November 2nd. Did I mention that it's free?

The five films are all centered around health but have very different topics. I love that there is something for everyone. Or, if you're a nerdy health person like me, they have everything you could wish for together in one spot!

The films for this event are:

Food Matters 

Love Bomb

Super Juice Me!

Carb-Loaded

Hungry For Change

Each film is about an hour and a half long and will pump you up with enough motivation to last for days. You can view the films by clicking here.

I'd love to hear about which films you watch and what your thoughts are! Are there any other health films that you've seen and would recommend?

P.S. I watched Love Bomb this afternoon and I'm about ready to sign up for chiropractic school then jump on a plane to South America. 

Staying Happy & Hopeful During Infertility Sadness

It's been a while since my last post on infertility. Resolve, a national infertility association, now says that one in every eight U.S. couples has trouble conceiving. That's a lot of couples. We aren't alone, people!

Yesterday was a hard day for me. Actually, let me rephrase that, last night was a hard night for me. The day was fine. I actually had a great day yesterday. But last night...yikes.

Last night I realized something about my infertility issues; they make me sad. I am fully aware that makes me sound like a kindergartener, but this was an important realization for me. Infertility doesn't make me angry, depressed, or bitter. It doesn't make me broken or less of a woman. It makes me sad. And sometimes, it's ok to be sad.

I recently saw this description of infertility on Pinterest:

 "It's not the kind of sadness to where you cry all the time, but more of like the sadness that overwhelms your entire body, leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty." 

Amen, sister! This is probably one of the best explanations I've heard. I have happy, happy days; the kind of days that leave your cheek muscles begging for mercy. But that sadness is still there. It's constantly in the back of your mind. And it can be SO easy to fall into that sadness.

I'm a happy person. I know that there is a plan for my life. I know that I have a loving Heavenly Father who is aware of my situation. I know that He knows how much infertility sucks, and not just because I've told Him countless times. I know I have a lot to be grateful for. I have hope for the future.

I fully believe that learning to stay positive and hopeful through our sadness is the best way to get through it.

For anyone else who might be struggling, here are five coping methods have that helped me stay happy and hopeful:

-Join a support group. Infertility issues can make you feel very alone. Sometimes it's hard to talk to people when you don't feel like they can relate with where you are coming from. Support groups offer a great place to express yourself and meet others facing similar challenges.

-Educate yourself. There are so many options for dealing with infertility! Take time to get to know what is out there. Getting educated will help you decide what the best path is for you and your family. You can't take further steps until you know what steps there are to take.

-Discover a new hobby. Good days and bad days exist. But the bad days are significantly less when you don't have time to focus them. Sign up for a class. Start a garden. Volunteer. Learn a new skill. This world is a beautiful place. Your fertility status doesn't change that fact. Go explore something new!

-Stop comparing yourself. Oh, this is a big one! I've quit Facebook countless times because I struggle with this. Nothing makes me feel sadder than when I compare myself to others. And let me tell you, my friends pop out babies like they are Otter Pops from a freezer on a hot summer day. I kid you not. But, we each live our own lives. We are all on different paths. Happiness comes when we focus on our own path. That's the only thing that really matters.

-Remember that obstacles in life are sometimes mere challenges. I think we should get rid of the word "never". Just because we're struggling now, doesn't mean we'll never get pregnant. It's a safe bet to say that we all know people who have overcome fertility struggles. Obstacles don't mean give up; obstacles mean it's time to start climbing.

What methods have you found to help cope with infertility struggles? Is there any advice you would share with other's experiencing the same difficulties?

How To Prepare, Train, & Finish Long Distance Runs

I'm not a born runner. My first run was with my dad when I was fourteen years old. My PE class had an assignment to run a mile in under fifteen minutes. I had no clue if I could do that. So my dad started running with me to practice. Years later, I took up long distance running on a dare. A friend of mine, who has run several marathons, told me that anyone could run a marathon; it's a mental challenge more than a physical one. I didn't believe her, so I signed up for a half marathon. 

Since then I have run six half marathons. While I'm still not sure if I'm a "runner", I have grown to love the sport, but more for the mental challenge than the physical challenge. Go figure. 

Here are 10 life lessons that I have learned from running: 

1. You need to have a purpose or goal. Because I don't have running in my genes, I need a race to train for to get me out on the pavement. Having a goal helps keep my motivation high. Running with a purpose keeps me competitive, even if it's just with myself.

2. Training needs to be done in order. Start where you are and work your way forward. If you haven't run in years, don't go out and try to run five miles. Don't wear yourself out before you even begin. What changes can you make today to get you on your way? Push yourself, don't exhaust yourself. 

3. Every run is important. Your first training run is as important as the last one.  You can't slack off for the first six weeks of training and then hope to make up for it in the last six. Conversely, you can't start off like a champ and fizzle towards the end. Be constant and steady. Focus on every run. 

4. Always keep moving. Some days running feels easy. And some days, running feels like you're dying a slow and painful death. But keep moving. You may need to walk or slowly jog but do not stop.  It hurts way worse to stop, trust me. Keep moving forward.

5. Don't focus on someone else's treadmill. During my training, I'd get to the gym at 5:30 am and notice the person next to me was already three miles into their run. My first thought was always, what kind of crazy person has already run three miles at 5:30 am?! Then, I would start running, already depressed that my treadmill didn't say I was three miles in. But that person put in the time to be three miles further than I was. Whenever I've put in the time to do so, I've always hit the three mile mark. Focus on your own efforts, not what other's are doing. 

6. Only think positive thoughts. Positive thoughts may not make you run faster, but they definitely make it more enjoyable. You're running a lot of miles. The distance doesn't shorten just because you're grumpy. So, you can run in misery or you can run in joy. The choice is yours. 

7. Say hi to others on the way. I love running (PUN!) into other runner's, especially during my long runs. It boosts my spirits to know I'm not alone. Sometimes I think about how far they may have come. You never know how their run is going, they will probably appreciate the pick-me-up. 

8. You can't do it alone. Although running can be a solo endeavor, you can't do it alone. You may need an iPod, a water bottle, a knee brace, new shoes, or even a friend to push you through.  Don't make it harder on yourself than it needs to be. Use your resources to make sure you're getting the most out of every run. 

9. Take the time to heal. Rest days, stretching, and foam rolling are all important. They aren't always fun (actually, foam rolling is NEVER fun) and it may be uncomfortable at first, but it is always necessary.  It's good to give 100%, but it's also good to recover. Skipping over healing time will only cause more problems in the long run.

10. Giving 100% doesn't always mean perfection. This has been the hardest lesson for me to learn. When you miss your PR by 6 seconds (which has happened) it's hard to say that you gave it 100%. How can you say that over the last 2 hours, you couldn't have sped up by 6 seconds? Run your race in a way that makes you proud. Give it all that you have and don't beat yourself up if it isn't perfect. 

No matter what race you're running, it will eventually end. You won't be running for the rest of eternity (although it may seem like it). The only thing left to be determined is if you'll make it to the finish line and how you'll feel when you get there. Pace yourself, enjoy yourself, and happy running!

I'd love to hear what lessons you've learned from your fitness routine. Leave a comment below and share your knowledge!

How to Enjoy a Monday

Today was my second to last Monday at my current job. It was a good decision to marry a guy who looks for any reason to buy flowers.