The Do's and Do Not's of Talking to Someone About Infertility

Did you know that that 10.9% of women between the ages of 15-44 have encountered fertility issues?

That means one out of every ten women that you know has previously or is currently struggling with infertility. I am one of these people. 

After having a particularly hard day, I put together a list of things I would like my friends, family, acquaintances, and random strangers to know about talking to people struggling with infertility. 

DO:

1. It's ok to talk about your kids. Really, I'll be fine. Your kids are your kids. I'm not jealous of you or wishing that that they were mine.

2. If you find out you're pregant, you can tell me. And you can even be excited about it! When you act blase about it, I feel like you just got the one gift I really want but it's not important to you. I promise to do my best to be just as excited as you are. 

3. Just because I don't have kids and haven't felt a baby squirm in my stomach, doesn't mean we don't have things in common. I'm sure you have interests outside of your kids; and I've been around enough kids to be able to know what you're talking about. I really want to be your friend.

4.  If you only want to talk about your baby, maybe it is best for you to spend time with your mommy friends.  I'm still your friend, but please understand if I want to talk about something other than diaper genies and tummy time.

5. Ask me how I'm doing. Validate my feelings. Simply knowing people care helps more than you can imagine. 

DON'T:

1. Please don't feel bad for me. I am a healthy, strong woman. I am not broken. Your sympthy just makes me feel like you're looking down on me as a woman.

2. Don't tell me that it "might not be in the cards" for me. For as long as I can remember, I've envisioned myself as a mom. You don't get to decide what my future might or might now hold. 

3. Don't tell me to stop stressing about it. I don't actually stress about it. It doesn't consume my every thought. Not being permanently stressed doesn't make it any less painful though. 

4. Don't tell me that I'm better off without children. I know being a parent is challenging, but it's also the most rewarding job I can think of. The good outweighs the bad, and you know that is true so don't pretend. 

5.  Don't tell me that I don't appreciate the good that I do have. I am extrememly grateful for my husband, my dog, my home, and my wonderful friends. I know I am blessed in so many ways. It's possible to feel the pain of infertility and the joy of gratitude at the same time. 


Infertilify has been one of the greatest challnges in my life. My husband and I try to keep things positive though. In fact, we decided to go on a cruise if 20 more of our friends got pregnant before us and soon we will be enjoying sun, sand and surf.